So, you’ve been invited to more than one New Year Eve’s event and a couple of them look pretty fun. But you can’t quite decide which one to go to so you’ve said a vague yes to all of them. And as the days count down and it gets closer to 2016 so the last-minute cancellations/changes of plans/surprise illnesses start to appear as you begin flaking on the events you don’t want to go to. Yup, it’s that time of year – the festive period – when statistics reveal that flaking is at its highest.
It’s not an uncommon phenomenon – flaking. It takes many forms: not turning up at the last minute; texting half an hour before to cancel; getting a better offer and changing your plans; deciding you’re going to spend the day in bed. All of these, providing it involves reneging on a planned social event, constitute flaking. Quite a lot of people do it but they tend to do it very badly, getting caught up in webs of white lies and half-truths as they don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Unfortunately, webs of deceit can get a bit tangled and sooner or later the truth will out and not only will you have disappointed your friend by not turning up to their event but you will also have upset them by lying to their faces.
And that’s the crux – when it comes down to it, which is worse – declining an invitation or lying? The latter, of course. And herein lies the solution, herein lies the trick to successful flaking – telling the truth. Yup, it’s as simple as that, no elaborate stories about lost cardigans, surprise tickets to see Adele and long-lost lovers appearing, just plain, simple honesty. It doesn’t have to be brutal honesty – “I’d hate to go to your boring party where I’ll meet only self-righteous, pompous boring people” – it can be sugar-coated honesty instead – “Ah, that’s such a lovely invitation but no thank you.” This might appear to fly in the face of everything we’ve been taught about being ‘polite’ but I think honesty trumps politeness. People are more robust than we think and can probably handle the odd rejection better than being lied/patronised to. We all have a right to refuse an invitation after all, it might not be an actual right recognised by the UN but there’s no law saying we must go to everything we’re invited to. Sometimes staying home and watching Netflix is just more fun.
Furthermore, flaking well is very important in this day and age when people don’t have much time and are just so busy. So the trick here is to manage other people’s expectations from as early on as possible – “Oh I’m just so busy” hours before an event starts that you’ve known about for yonks doesn’t really cut it but “Gosh, I’m just so busy at the moment, I’m finding it hard to commit to things” said a suitable time before the event is better, and also lets others flag you as that overly-busy, potentially-flakey person. So good luck flakers, here’s to 2016 being a year of flaking well. Consider this fantastic video a How-To guide….
The Urban Dictionary tells us that flaking (v.) means to bail out of something at the last-minute whilst a flake (n.) is an unreliable person; someone who agrees to do something, but never follows through. Now, I wasn’t around in olden days but I’ve got a hunch that flaking as an activity is on the rise and the number of flakes in society is increasing. This is partly due to the arbitrary increase in population size (so the number of flakes may well grow proportionately with that) but also because consumer culture encourages flaking whilst modern technology makes it far easier. So here’s a quick blog on the rise of flaking and why I certainly don’t want a flake with that.
To be happy in consumer society you’ve always got to buy the next big thing, keep on trend and own more stuff. There’s never any chance just to slow down and enjoy what you’ve got because if everyone slowed down then the economy would stop growing. This attitude of cost-benefit analysis and accumulation easily percolates into our social lives as we weigh up which event will most likely maximise our happiness. There’s so much to do so rather than commit to one thing we hold out on the off-chance something better comes up. This means we flake a lot. And it’s even easier to flake now we’ve got smartphones – all we need is a weak wifi signal to let our friend now that we’ve decided not to see them because something else has come up or, y’know, we just couldn’t be bothered. Back in the days of telephones-we-couldn’t-put-in-our-pockets flaking on an event was probably a bigger deal because more effort had to be put into arranging to meet in a certain place at a certain time, but now it just takes the silent clicks of a few touchscreen buttons.
Now, I get that in this world of shrinking economics, laptops and internet that everyone is very busy. We’re all so busy getting caught up in a flailing capitalist consumer economy but why should friendships have to suffer for that? Why pretend to commit to something that you probably won’t turn up to, why not just be honest? Of course, honesty is difficult and we fear upsetting people by telling them we’re not too fussed about hanging out with them which is why we try to smooth the situation with some half-hearted apology – “Oh I’m so sorry I didn’t make it, I’ve just been so busy and blah blah blah.”
Sometimes the apology is worse than the actual act of flaking itself because what it seems to say is this: hey, so I’m aware I flaked on you and I feel bad about it so can you stop me feeling bad by accepting this quasi-apology. But what about the person who has been flaked on, aren’t they thinking something like this: hey, so I’m actually somewhat upset that you flaked on me, it kinda suggests you didn’t give me much of a second thought, but now you want me to make you feel better by accepting your apology…well, I can’t fricking have coffee with your apology.
I think the simplest way to get around this increasing social problem is to create two different types of social event – the ‘event-event’ and the ‘flake-event’ – the former is one to which both (or all) parties are committed and will make as much of an effort as possible to attend (save ill-health, unforeseen grave circumstances etc) whilst the second is one that neither party will get too excited about because one or both may well decide to do something else or just decide to do nothing. The ‘event-event’ and ‘flake-event’ categories at least acknowledge that flaking is a common activity and helps us to cope with it better, rather than the endless half-apologies. Of course, we could just try to make more of an effort. Here’s comedian Aziz Ansari summing up flaking very nicely…